Thursday, February 24, 2011
Term 1 Week 5
The sun shone down on the ground, blazing in the large, vast sky. I approached my destination, with my heart pounding like mad. What stream will I get into? Will I be in the same class as my friends? Thought ran though my mind, like cars on the street during the peak hour, I took in a deep breath, and took my first step into the clock tower. The size of the interior was amazing, it was as big as a warehouse, maybe even bigger. I stood there, frozen to the spot, as I took in this overwhelming sight to behold. I wandered around the clock tower, forgetting even what I was there for, captured by the amazing aura that exuded from the grand structure. My jaw hung down through the whole experience, as I saw both levels of the clock tower, amazed with the spacious classrooms on the second level. I shivered in fear, as I saw the stain on the middle of the clock tower ground. I recalled the rumors that I had heard about a person accidentally falling to his death here, leaving that mark. I shuddered at the thought, and immediately hurried off to the registration booths in the Ooi Teong Ham Hall.
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Hi. This is a story that you described very nicely, and I especially like the part where you would link each and everything you felt to a event, like cars in peak hour traffic, amazing aura that exuded from the grand structure. These are all very vivid and detailed description, which gives readers a better idea of the clock tower. However, here are some errors. You cannot enter a clock tower, you can enter a clock tower building. Also, you have put commas in some places which you do not require to put them e.g "Thought ran though my mind, like cars on the street during the peak hour, I took in a deep breath, and took my first step into the clock tower." You can eradicate some of the commas. :D I personally like this description. I can feel the nervousness and the other feelings you are attempting to portray!
ReplyDeleteIndeed, the story was interesting and well described, the sky, the magnificent clock tower, the feel and mood. Like what Thomas had said, there is too much commas. Another suggestion was to break up the sentences so it's easier for the reader to read. You had done a good job in bringing the reader into the story and feel it. You used simile such as "... like cars on the street during the peak hour..." and actions made were vivid. It was described nicely and interesting! Keep up the good work! Very nice! Also, may i know the 'spot' where you described? I am very interested and curious.
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